*This is a guided exercise so it will be helpful to have pen and paper to follow along.
We all have what's called our shadow self. We can look at the shadow self in two different ways. We can see it as the bad parts of us or the characteristics we don’t like about ourselves. It’s the side of us we like to keep hidden and, well, in the shadows.
Here are some examples.
Write down the ones that apply to you:
Being angry, aggressive, sarcastic, insecure, jealous, dishonest, irresponsible, unreliable, controlling, disloyal, dramatic, vindictive, selfish, lazy, obsessive, prideful, egotistical, judgmental, argumentative, complainer, pessimistic, having low self-esteem or confidence, ignorant, mean, rude, jealous.
The other way to look at the shadow self is to look at the qualities we had naturally as a child. It's the truest parts of us that got covered up, discarded or shoved down through our experiences in life. This could include good qualities that didn’t serve us well, and may have contributed to us being hurt in some way. This could also include qualities that weren’t accepted or encouraged. We may have even gotten into trouble or were disciplined for these qualities.
Here are some examples.
Write down the ones that apply to you:
Being trusting, generous, giving, naïve, nice, sensitive, compassionate, vulnerable, honest, being too loud, too talkative or too quiet, happy, positive, laughing too much, being too smart, confident, hyper, clingy, needy, shy.
The problem with our shadow self is that no matter how well we try to hide it it’s still always with us. And nothing stays hidden forever.
Continuing to struggle with and ignore our shadow self can cause us many problems in life. It can create a domino effect of destruction. It can start with internal conflict, confusion, indecisiveness, guilt, regret, shame, and embarrassment. This can lead us to a life of disappointment, being unsatisfied and not being true to ourselves. Which can, then, lead to damaging and self-sabotaging behavior like trying to escape with drugs and alcohol; symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental illness; relying too much on defense mechanisms such as avoidance, repression, denial, and projection.
This happens in an effort to protect ourselves.
Although, all we’ve really accomplished is that no one else can hurt us, but we can sure hurt ourselves! And all of this just because we can’t admit to ourselves that we’re angry or jealous or too sensitive? Well, I can tell you that if our ego can’t take this, then we probably have much deeper psychological issues to deal with like figuring out why our ego is so fragile and not strong enough to handle any challenge to it. This is why it’s important to identify and integrate our shadow self to make ourselves whole, which can help us be accepting and loving to ourselves.
Let’s begin to identify what traits make up your shadow self. You may have already started by identifying with some of the examples I’ve already given but let's explore this further.
Here are a few questions. Write your answers.
What are the qualities you don’t like about yourself?
What qualities do you have that you don’t want other people to see?
Now you should have a pretty good idea of what your shadow self looks like. Seeing all the negative parts of us in black-and-white can be a bit daunting but please remember that every single one of us has both positive and negative qualities. That’s part of being human. We can certainly improve upon the negative qualities, but they’re not useless to us. Sometimes we need to be selfish. Being angry at times is a normal, human emotion. Feeling insecure can keep us stay humble. Laughing too loudly, being too positive or too trusting may really be other peoples’ problem and not ours.
The goal is that these qualities are balanced with our positive ones. We also want our positive qualities to outweigh the negative ones by being more prominent in our life. So we’re going to focus on those shadow self qualities that cause us problems in our life. These are the ones we can work on changing.
Circle the traits that cause you the most problems in your life.
Now, the traits you just circled, are obviously the ones you’re able to freely acknowledge even if it’s difficult. But it’s the traits we refused to identify that could be causing us the most problems.
Think of the traits that other people say about you that they have a problem with. For example, we could get into an argument with a partner and they tell us we are inconsiderate or selfish. A parent may tell us we are irresponsible or lazy. A friend may say we’re judgmental or spiteful. We may not agree, but these traits should be considered. Maybe we just don’t want it to be true, which goes back to poor ego development which can lead to denial.
Write down the traits that other people accuse you of having that you may not agree with.
It’s important to note that not everything other people tell us is truthful. Unfortunately, there are people who can say things just to hurt us so we want to weed those opinions out. To do this always consider the source of information.
There are three key questions to ask yourself here.
Do they have my best interest at heart?
Do they have good intentions?
Do they love or care about me?
We certainly don’t have to take in and accept words from people who don’t meet all three of these requirements even if that person is a partner, spouse or friend. In fact, maybe that relationship should be reevaluated if the answer is "NO" to even one of these questions.
Now cross out any traits you wrote down that came from people that you answered "NO" to.
Now we’re going to go even deeper psychologically. Think about what you don’t like in others. These would be traits you can’t stand or find annoying or repulsive in others.
Without further thought or judgment, write these down.
Now take a look at these qualities, and with as much objectivity as possible, ask yourself if you also have any of these qualities. What we don’t like in others is often what we sometimes unconsciously don’t like within ourselves. Their traits may not be as bad as yours but don’t discount that. We’re not comparing. we’re just looking for similarities.
Circle any traits of others that could be similar to you.
Now you should have three lists of traits:
The ones you identified in yourself.
The ones other people identified in you.
The ones you identified in other people.
This is your shadow self.
We’re all a work in progress and we all have a shadow self. We can’t afford to deny these traits. It’s better to acknowledge them and either accept them, make it work for us or change it because we can’t fix what we don’t acknowledge.
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Free Spirit's Therapy Homework- https://www.freespiritcoaching.org/therapyhomework
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