Boundaries are a form of self-care and a way of valuing ourselves. It’s a way to take care of our physical, emotional and spiritual needs. Without adequate boundaries, we run the risk of allowing other people to treat us poorly, use us, or take advantage of us.
We use boundaries to teach other people how to treat us. It also allows others to know what to expect from us and what we expect from them. A boundary is like having an invisible line that tells people how much influence they can have over our own physical space, our needs and wants, our emotions and responsibilities. Before we can establish appropriate boundaries, we must first know our own limits and what we’re willing to accept from people. Being able to accurately assess our limits and capabilities takes emotional intelligence.
Assessing our physical capacity is more clear than assessing our emotional capacity. In terms of our physical capacity, some examples could be:
somebody asking to borrow money, help them move, volunteer our time or attend an event. This is more clear because we either have the money to let them borrow or we don’t. We either have the time to help them or we don’t. If we happen to be out of town or have something else already scheduled on the day they ask us to attend their event, it’s easier to say no.
However, let’s say we are available that day. Do we automatically say yes just because we’re physically available that day? Many people would say yes, even if they didn’t want to out of feelings of guilt or obligation. Now if the guilt and obligation is your internal moral compass telling you that it’s the right thing to do because, maybe, that person has been there to support you in the past. If it’s your turn to support them. then it may be the right thing to do. But a lot of times guilt isn’t a moral compass. It’s just guilt- guilt over our own insecurities of saying no, having people judge us for it, having them not like us anymore or of disappointing them.
But what about disappointing ourselves? A lot of times we end up putting other people's needs ahead of our own. This is OK to do at times, especially with relationships we value and relationships that are two-way streets where we help each other. But we do need to assess our emotional capacity. Just because we’re physically able to do something doesn’t mean we should do it. We also need to make sure that we are emotionally capable as well. Assessing our emotional capability is a bit more ambiguous and subjective and requires greater emotional intelligence.
When we’re going through a difficult time in our own lives (like having problems with our spouse or kids, extra stress at work or a death of a loved one) most, if not all, of our emotional capacity is being used to deal with our own needs and wants, which means we have less capacity to help others with theirs. At times like this, it’s usually best to take care of ourselves first because if we’re not ok how can we help others? We can’t give what we don’t have so it’s important to assess our emotional capacity before saying yes.
But boundaries aren’t just about saying yes or no. Boundaries can look different for different people depending on our relationship with them and how badly they’re crossing our boundaries. For people who are generally kind and respectful, we may not have to establish any boundaries. Boundaries are usually only needed when people continue to cross our boundaries in a way that hurts us.
I always recommend going the path of least resistance first. We can always ask the person gently and politely for what we need from them and explain why it bothers us. If their behavior continues, we can remind them of our boundaries or tell them our needs in a more assertive manner. If the behavior still continues, then it may be necessary to implement our boundaries.
So let’s talk about what boundaries can look like. And remember, they can look different for each person, depending on how much you’re willing to tolerate from them. In keeping with the path of least resistance, we can start with easy, more subtle boundaries and we can always make them more strict if needed. The goal is not to reprimand or punish the person, the goal is to take care of our own wellbeing by not engaging or enabling their hurtful behavior.
We can establish boundaries by speaking up for ourselves, communicating our needs and wants, limiting how we help people or limiting our time and interaction with them.
For example, if you have a family member that drains your energy or always finds a way to upset you when you talk to them, you may have to set a boundary for yourself to talk to them less often or for less time, keep conversations surface or text them rather than having a phone conversation.
If you have a friend that tends to be very opinionated and judgmental about your partner then maybe you don’t talk to them about your partner anymore.
If your boss always expects you to work late, you may decide to limit those days and tell them you can only stay late on certain days, request to come in later so you can stay later, talk to them about ways of delegating the work load or request a raise to compensate you for the extra work you do.
When you go visit family you may find that the first few days are great but after that it becomes too stressful so you may decide to limit how many days you stay, stay at a nearby hotel rather than their house or plan to do a few things on your own away from the house to give yourself (and them) a break.
You may have a son or daughter who is rude and disrespectful at times. For them, your boundary may be to end the conversation when that happens or limit ways you help them until they can be more respectful.
If an argument with your spouse gets too heated you may need to walk away or leave the house until the situation calms down and only agree to talk about the problem when they can talk more calmly.
The point is, we don’t have to accept people treating us poorly. We also don’t have to take responsibility or accept blame for the emotions or behavior of others. And the same goes for us. We need to take responsibility for our own emotions and behavior and not blame others.
It’s important that we lead by example and treat others as we want them to treat us. People can blame us for their anger ot tell us we made them feel but that doesn’t make it true. People can try to put whatever blame they want on us, but it’s up to us whether or not to accept it.
We’re all responsible for our own emotions and behavior,.We need to be able to identify, express and regulate our emotions appropriately and recognize that our emotions guide our behavior. People who make it more difficult for us to regulate our emotions are probably the ones we need boundaries for.
Once we figure out what the boundaries look like, we need to implement them. We can go ahead and just start the boundaries or we can talk to the person about it first. If we’re setting boundaries in the hope that the other person's behavior changes, then I recommend talking to them about it. Let them know what boundaries you’re setting and why. If we don’t talk to them about it, they may not make the connection between their behavior and your boundaries.
Doing this, though, can be challenging. I recommend taking some time to think about how you can effectively communicate your needs and how their behavior affects you as opposed to being accusatory to them by pointing fingers and telling them what they did wrong. Focusing on how it affects you is a perfect example of taking responsibility for your own emotions, which is exactly what you will be asking them to do as well. Lead by example.
Some people will respect our boundaries and others won’t. But it’s not about what they do or don’t do. It’s about us. If they don’t respect our boundaries, then we have to implement them anyway. We don’t have to wait for someone to give us permission to implement our boundaries. And after we implement them, we need to enforce them. It’s kind of like laws. Laws don’t mean much if they’re not enforced.
Establishing boundaries disrupts the dynamic of the relationship which isn’t easy… and is often uncomfortable. This is why most people don’t do it. But maybe it can help to ask yourself why someone else’s needs are more important than our own. They’re the ones violating our boundaries. So why is it that we are the ones who struggle with fear or guilt over telling them that it’s not OK to treat us that way. If anything, they’re the ones who should feel badly about violating our boundaries. All we’re doing, is speaking up for ourselves. Just remember, when speaking up for yourself, it’s important to do it with the same sincerity, compassion and respect that we’re asking them to give to us. Lead by example.
Therapy Homework
For your therapy homework, think about if there is anyone in your life that tends to violate your boundaries. Keeping in mind the path of least resistance, think about how you can tell them what you want from them. But I want you to also come up with some appropriate boundaries you can set in the event that your request is ignored. When, and if it’s appropriate, be prepared to establish and implement your boundaries. If you feel resistant to setting boundaries, I recommend exploring why that is and work on overcoming it.
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